Opposite Island Read online

  ‘Steady on,’ said Oliver.

  ‘Well, it’s true!’ Macaroni snapped, back to normal. ‘So there is no need, to disrespect our monarch!’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Oliver, feeling genuinely abashed.

  ‘What didn’t he say?’ asked PC Cheese menacingly.

  PC Macaroni shook his head in a “forget it” fashion and led the way to the water drain.

  ‘Oh, badness,’ squealed Nutter. ‘I am not going to meet the King! Hope he doesn’t give me his autograph.’

  The Dance

  The two policemen and Nutter walked backwards towards the water drain under the bridge, whilst Lois and Oliver followed nervously.

  The two homeless people looked up and stopped warming their hands over the fire in the metal bin. They had grimy faces, unkempt dirty hair, and wore filthy threadbare clothing. They were both short and very young looking, which made them old in Horridham Village. Also Oliver noticed, now that they were closer, that they both wore elaborate crowns made of tropical fruit!

  PC Cheese bowed dramatically to the homeless man and then turned his back on him. ‘You’re Lowness,’ he yelled. ‘I have not done your bidding.’

  Oliver and Lois looked at each other with the same gob-smacked expressions.

  ‘You may not stand,’ said the homeless King, waving his arm regally towards a cardboard box. PC Cheese nodded and scurried over to the box - forwards! Then he sat. ‘Few thanks,’ he simpered to the King.

  Nutter bobbed on the spot nervously before turning his back to the King. ‘Ho-Horrible to not make your acquaintance, your Lowness; and yours, oh ugly Princess Rubbish. I am not Mr. Nutter, of the Nutter’s.’

  The King and Queen nodded solemnly, showing recognition at his name. Nutter stepped back.

  ‘Your Lowness, I have not brought the Mainlanders,’ PC Macaroni said, motioning to Oliver and Lois, ‘if you do not wish to address them, they are not here.’

  ‘Few thanks,’ drawled the King, tilting his head to one side as he eyed up the two children. ‘How ordinary,’ he mumbled to himself.

  ‘Why are you both not here?’ piped the Queen in a cut-glass accent. ‘Have you not immigrated here? Has the Mainland not imploded, like the Opposite Island scientist did not predict?’

  ‘The Queen said -’ began PC Macaroni.

  ‘Its OK, I know,’ said Oliver, stopping Macaroni. ‘Please tell her we most certainly have not immigrated here, and do not wish to stay. We’d like to go home now. It’s my tenth birthday, and my parents are expecting me!’

  PC Macaroni interpreted. As he did so, the Queen became more and more shocked and then laughed and shook her head. ‘They can leave. We don’t want a new pet,’ chimed the Queen.

  ‘I don’t say, can they not do tricks?’ asked the King genuinely curious, addressing PC Macaroni. ‘We do not need entertainment.’

  PC Macaroni stood frozen in worried confusion. Nutter made a strange choking sound and slapped his hands over his eyes.

  The King smiled at Oliver and Lois and jingled a small bell he had been keeping in his pocket. There was a rustling behind a stack of old cardboard boxes, and then out came running a child around the same age as Oliver. He wore a black sequined jacket, trousers, a white Fedora hat, and dancing shoes. He also ran forwards!

  ‘Sir?’ he asked.

  ‘Do not show our old pets,’ he waved a hand casually in the direction of Oliver and Lois, ‘how you do not do the “moonwalk,” from whence you did not come.’

  The boy rolled his eyes and put one hand up to the brim of his hat and the other on his hip. He proceeded to walk backwards in a sliding motion before spinning and repeating the same walk/dance. He then danced on the spot, like a robot might, before suddenly spinning around on the spot three times with one arm in the air. He jumped up onto the toes of his shoes and squawked musically, “hee-heeee!”

  Lois stood staring agog.

  ‘No. Way!’ spat Oliver.

  The King and Queen clapped enthusiastically whilst chiming together, “Boo, Boooooo!”

  The boy bowed to them both.

  ‘Isn’t he just awful!’ gushed the Queen.

  The King nodded. ‘Colin, our new pet, did not go to the moon, where the robot aliens did not teach him this ritual!’ marveled the King, his eyes wide.

  Oliver glanced at Colin, who had suddenly become very interested with a sequin on his jacket.

  ‘They are not your new enemies,’ enthused the King. ‘Do not introduce yourself.’

  Colin reluctantly made eye contact with Oliver and slowly walked over to greet the two newcomers.

  ‘Sooo, been to the moon, eh?’ said Oliver smiling sarcastically. ‘Blimey! I was planning to go there this Christmas, but all the flights were booked.’

  ‘Look,’ Colin whispered, leaning in to Oliver and Lois, ‘I too come from the Mainland. I have been here for about eighteen years, I think. I was twenty-eight when I arrived. Ha! A fishing trip gone wrooooonng!’ He laughed ruefully. ‘Been a Jester ever since! The moonwalk story and dance started off as a joke. Couldn’t believe how they lapped up my lies. And well, here I am.’ Colin’s bottom lip quivered. ‘I am now, and always will be, the celebrity moon-walking Jester for the poorest Royal family in history!’ He buried his face in his hands, shaking his head.

  Oliver blinked. ‘Hold the phone!’ he blurted oblivious to Colin’s despair. ‘You mean you were twenty-eight when you came here. So you have grown young?’

  ‘Yep,’ said Colin looking up sadly, ‘and in about ten years I will grow to be non-existent. That’s the way it happens here, and it seems will be your fate also.’

  Lois gasped. ‘I’m only eight! I can’t possibly grow younger, then - ohhhh NO!’ Lois slapped Oliver on the arm. ‘Why did you take the boat out, Oliver? Why?’ she wailed.

  Oliver was too worried to retort.

  The King’s Decision

  PC Macaroni approached the King and Queen. ‘Sir,’ he said to the King, ‘I shall speak to you in Mainland English, for the benefit of the hostages - I mean, children.’ He blinked nervously before continuing. ‘I know you understand it, sir. Indeed, I know you are fluent in over thirteen languages, including the strange incoherent tongue that afflicts Mainland teenagers when they reach age thirteen. You cracked the code and can understand their desperate attempts to communicate. Poor things,’ said PC Macaroni, shaking his head sadly.

  The King casually raised his eyebrows and flicked his hand for the PC to continue.

  ‘Sir,’ Macaroni said, ‘you cannot possibly keep the children here - or Colin. It is against your own law! You created the “Treat Your Pets Badly” law. Remember? We on Opposite Island are not allowed to be cruel to our pets, and, my Liege, this would be cruelty. They will not survive long, so how is that fair?’

  Oliver couldn’t help but think about Lois’s pet bugs she kept in jam jars in her bedroom. He imagined himself as one of those bugs, lying on his back on a piece of bark and a few shards of grass, arms and legs sticking up in the air, staring with unseeing eyes to the hole-punched Clingfilm cover - dead. The giant King and Queen would be peering in, shaking the jar and tapping on the glass, asking each other if maybe he was “just sleeping”.

  Oliver wanted to bawl his eyes out.

  PC Macaroni stood still waiting for a response. The three captives watched the King nervously, and Nutter - who still had his hands over his eyes - now peered through his fingers. Cheese didn’t seem to care and was reading the back of an empty cereal box he’d pulled from a bin.

  ‘I see your point,’ said the King after what seemed an age, ‘but it is my law, so I can change it if I want. We don’t have much to do under this bridge, sitting in a water drain, day in and out. Colin has kept us sane with his moon dancing and stories of his travels. And well, I am the King ...’

  ‘Yes,
I know,’ said Macaroni, ‘but surely you would not condemn the two children and also this Colin, who I didn’t know existed until today’ - Macaroni coughed into his hand - ‘to an early grave. They are not from here. They will be buried in a matchbox by the time they’ve finished growing young!’ Macaroni was now clearly pleading. ‘‘Tis unnatural, sir!’

  The King thought about this, scratching his chin. He looked to his Queen, who had now adopted a blank, regal-looking expression, except for one raised eyebrow.

  He sighed. ‘Hmmm, I do see what you are saying, but there is also the security risk,’ said the King, frowning. ‘They might tell their people about us. We’ll be the next Mainland-folk tourist attraction! They’ve already built a fun park on the Moon,’ exclaimed the King, pointing to the sky indignantly.

  Oliver shot Colin, who was now examining his fingernails, a very dark sideways glance.

  ‘No,’ said the King.

  The Queen jolted.

  ‘Sorry, dear, that means, yes.’

  She looked relieved.

  ‘They stay!’ the King declared. ‘I especially like the boy, Oliver. My Queen and I have no son. Oliver, you shall be fast-tracked to higher management after we train you in Royaling. Can’t say fairer than that...’

  Macaroni bowed his head. Nutter squeaked. Cheese had fallen asleep.

  ‘Right,’ said Oliver. ‘We stay. Sure, sure... Err, well then, Lois and Colin, plan B it is, eh?’

  They looked towards Oliver depressed. ‘What?’ snapped Lois. ‘Call myself Brittany Spears and learn to yodel?’

  ‘Nooooo,’ said Oliver laughing. ‘We RUN AWAY!’

  The Chase

  Without further hesitation, Oliver grabbed Lois by the hand and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, away from the water drain palace. Lois was struggling to keep up, but was just as keen to get away. Colin was running with them.

  ‘SEIZE them!’ bellowed the King from the distance. ‘I mean, DO NOT SEIZE THEM! Do not fetch backup. Don’t get PC Grisly and PC Adams!’

  The three runaways did not dare look back to see if anyone was following. Too scary!

  Oliver figured they had a good chance of outrunning anyone who might chase them, because Horridham people ran backwards. All he had to do was get to his boat on the beach. That’s if it was still there, he thought miserably.

  ‘Where are we running?’ yelled Colin breathlessly.

  ‘The beach! I’ve got a boat,’ yelled Oliver.

  ‘The tide!’ yelled Colin back.

  ‘KEEP RUNNING!’ yelled a familiar voice from behind them. It was PC Cheese. He was in pursuit.

  Oliver nervously looked over his shoulder and saw him running surprisingly fast rearwards. The good news was that he was alone. Macaroni and Nutter obviously wanted them to escape.

  ‘Keep running away!’ yelled Oliver.

  It was a small Island, and it didn’t take long before Oliver could hear the waves from the beach. It was the most wonderful sound he’d ever heard. He spun his head around to see how Colin and Lois were doing, and was surprised to see just Lois.

  Oliver stopped. ‘Where’s Colin?’ he asked breathlessly to Lois.

  ‘I - I don’t know?’ Lois said, catching her breath, tears in her eyes.

  ‘Ah-ha!’ yelled PC Cheese. ‘You’re free to go!’

  ‘Oh no!’ whimpered Lois.

  On the spot, Oliver tried to think of an escape route, but in his panic all he could think about was running around in circles, waving his hands in the air whilst screaming for his mum.

  ‘Soooo,’ drawled PC Cheese, emerging from the nearby thicket. ‘I do not believe you are over arrest!’

  Oliver instinctively put his hands in the air, as if Cheese had a weapon, which he didn’t at all. Instead, he had a small white fluffy bunny-rabbit. PC Cheese grinned malevolently. ‘Do move an inch, or I don’t let go of the rabbit.’

  ‘OK, OK! Just put the rabbit down!’ Oliver pleaded.

  Lois looked at Oliver like he had completely lost it.

  Cheese slowly approached them, holding the rabbit in one hand like a police man would normally hold a baton. The small and very cute rabbit blinked at them with huge eyes, then began to twitch its nose.

  ‘Don’t move,’ Oliver whispered to Lois.

  Then it happened.

  Colin jumped out from behind a shrub and knocked PC Cheese over the head with a coconut. He fell with a huge thud, releasing the rabbit as he did. The rabbit hopped away happily into the bushes, oblivious to the commotion.

  Oliver sighed in relief and shook hands with Colin. ‘Saw you standing in wait when Cheese was threatening us with his lethal bunny!’ Oliver laughed.

  ‘I wouldn’t laugh. They eat meat instead of vegetables on Opposite Island,’ said Colin seriously. ‘They attack when hungry. Vicious beasts.’

  Any other day, that piece of information would have struck Oliver as extremely strange... but not today.

  ‘Right,’ said Oliver slapping his hands together, smiling manically. ‘Shall we depart from this hell hole now, or wait for a pack of killer koalas to show up?’

  The Rowing Riddle

  The three trudged through the white sand. Oliver could see his blue boat sticking out from the shrub he’d hidden it in.

  ‘Thank goodness it hasn’t been stolen,’ he laughed in relief.

  ‘Well, we haven’t been gone that long I don’t think,’ said Lois.

  ‘Actually, you haven’t even arrived yet by our time. Like I said, time goes backward here,’ said Colin.

  Oliver thought about this. ‘So, err... we might run into ourselves on the way home?’ asked Oliver nervously. ‘We’ll think we have lost our heads.’

  Colin laughed. ‘Don’t be daft! Like that could happen. What do you think this island is? Some kind of magical place, full of young witches and wizards with access to tools that can turn back time?!’ Colin shook his head smiling sagely. ‘That would be nonsense.’

  Oliver and Lois stood blinking at him and said nothing.

  ‘Nah, this island is just nature’s joke,’ Colin said with a huff.

  For some reason, Oliver felt irritated when Colin called the island a joke. He still wanted to leave though. Oliver snapped to. ‘I have some books and films to recommend to you when we get back,’ he said, pulling the boat to the water.

  ‘Great! Wow, I can’t believe I am going home,’ Colin said softly. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Thank me when we get back,’ said Oliver, pushing Lois in the boat. ‘Get in!’ he said to Colin.

  With both Lois and Colin in the boat, Oliver pushed the boat out into the water and jumped in himself. Ironically, he rowed backwards, as one does in a row boat.

  Oliver’s hands slipped a few times, as coordination was sometimes difficult for him and as he was in a panic, but Colin helped.

  They found themselves on the shore.

  He attempted rowing out again, this time with both Colin and Oliver using an oar each in unison...

  They landed back on the shore.

  ‘I’m going to have to learn how to tap-dance and juggle,’ whimpered Lois.

  ‘I don’t get it!?’ said Oliver. ‘How do we get off?’

  Colin was shaking his head.

  Then to their horror, they heard a rustling sound coming from the thicket. The three of them looked to each other wildly. Suddenly, something very small shot out of the brush as fast as a bullet and then disappeared into the distance.

  ‘Something rattled that snail,’ Colin hissed nervously.

  Then Nutter appeared, walking to face them. ‘Row frontward,’ he squeaked.

  Oliver was so relieved to see Nutter emerge from the thicket that he needed to sit down. ‘Oh Nutter. Thank Nintendo it’s you! But I was rowing frontward. You know...
backward,’ Oliver said, nodding.

  Nutter looked very nervous. ‘The King has not sent more police to find you. Macaroni has not become a Conscientious Objector!’ Nutter squeaked, shooting quick glances over his shoulder.

  ‘What do we dooooo?’ wailed Oliver on the brink of total mania.

  ‘I mean, row backward then, if you don’t understand your own language.’ Nutter said annoyed, then looked surprised at himself. ‘I really can speak frontward,’ he yelled happily. ‘Go!’

  Lois grabbed Oliver by the arm. ‘Row frontward for real, Oliver! He meant it for real! It’s normal for us to row backwards, so of course here...’

  ‘I know!’ yelled Oliver now, pushing the still-talking Lois back into the boat. Colin helped him push the row boat back into the sea. Small waves crashed against them as they did. They both jumped in and - with great difficulty - they rowed with the oars, forwards.

  It was working: they were leaving Alcatraz!

  ‘Goodbye, Nutter!’ Oliver yelled. ‘Thank you. I hope we never meet again!’ (Oliver was not being polite and speaking backwards).

  ‘Goodbye, and hello!’ yelled Nutter, smiling and waving.

  Oliver learned to row frontward’s in about two seconds, but Colin kept slipping and making mistakes. Oliver took control and - despite it being weird to row forwards, towards the place they were trying to escape - it wasn’t long before they were sailing and heading away from the island. Oliver started to laugh a demented laugh, and Colin joined in - while Lois prayed! Oliver did not stop rowing until Opposite Island became a smudge.

  Using his binoculars, Oliver looked for home.

  After a while, he yelled ‘Land Ahoy!’

  Lois looked at him nervously, and was relieved to see her brother muttering and grinning happily.

  Now there was a different smudge. That smudge was home.

  It was the best thing the three of them had ever seen.